The story of Avaleigh Grace's birth....Part 1

I have been meaning to write this blog post for a while now. The main reason being so that I don't forget the story of how God brought our precious baby girl into the world. I will never forget the incredible excitement and anticipation my husband and I felt the moment we saw that second pink line pop up on that pregnancy test. But alas, I am getting ahead of myself here.....

Justin and I had some goals we hoped to meet before we started our little family. The first goal was for him to finish college and pass his boards so that he could begin his career as a nurse. The second was for me to have gone a full year having been able to manage and function well for a full year with bipolar disorder. As of September 2011, both of those goals had been met. We decided to go ahead and have me go off of my Bipolar medication in June. We wanted me to have been off of it for a full three months before we started "trying" to get pregnant. We knew that there were no guarantees that God would grant us our desire to become parents, and we tried not to assume anything. You can imagine our great joy when we discovered that I was pregnant on January 21st, 2012. I remember that we had gone out to dinner at Red Lobster thanks to our friends, Shawn and Renelle giving us a gift card for Christmas that we had been saving. On the way home I asked Justin to stop at the Dollar Tree so that I could grab a pregnancy test or three. (FYI: The $1 tests are just as accurate as the $15 dollar ones. ;0) I honestly really didn't think I was pregnant. I was only 2 days late, and just figured I'd take a test just in case. I had myself convinced that I was not pregnant as I was trying not to get my hopes up. Even though we had tried really hard not to assume anything I found myself feeling keen disappointment every time a pregnancy test came up negative. We got home, and I went in and took the test. A second line appeared on the test almost immediately and it was bright, bold pink. There was no question that it was positive. I immediately clapped both hands over my mouth in disbelief and excitement. For once in my life, I was truly speechless. I walked out of our bathroom into our living room and still had my hands over my mouth. Justin looked at me, grinned, and said "It was positive wasn't it." I just nodded, frozen in place with eyes as big as saucers. Justin chuckled and said "Well come give me a hug." We hugged and laughed together and our excitement grew. God had answered our prayers for a baby, and we were overjoyed. I had known since I was a little girl that I very much wanted to be a wife and a Mama when I got older and God was granting me the desire of my heart. I felt very humbled and blessed by this incredible gift. I of course wanted to call our families and tell them immediately. Justin wisely advised that we  wait a few weeks. I was about 5 weeks along when we found out I was pregnant. Within the next 4 weeks, we had shared our news with both of our families and when I was 11 weeks, we made the "official Facebook announcement." I remember typing the simple status that said: "....and then there were three." :0)

I am thankful to say that I was blessed with a very healthy and uneventful pregnancy. I had nausea, minor vomiting and exhaustion during my first trimester as many women do, but other than that, I felt great. I got uncomfortable at the end as most women do and impatient for our girl to arrive, but really did feel great.

We found out in April that we were having a baby girl. I was initially terrified to have a girl, but was fine either way. I absolutely LOVE having a baby girl now and wouldn't trade her for a million boys. Little girls are a LOT of fun, and as my Mom encouraged me....they'll only become high maintenance, entitled drama queens if you raise them that way. ;0)

On October 3rd, I began having minor contractions. I was 11 days past my "due date" at this point and was very ready to have this baby. However, I did not want to get my hopes up prematurely.....

Oh Pregnancy, you can be gross & hilarious...

Welp, I am officially halfway through my very first pregnancy. This of course hardly makes me an expert, but I have gained a few funny stories along the way. ;0) Please STOP reading now if you are easily grossed out and/or have a weak stomach. :0P During my first trimester, I threw up...a LOT. I think I became somewhat of a pro at it, lol. There were many times I would cook dinner, take 2-3 bites then be racing for the bathroom. I also learned that sometimes when feeling nauseous while prego, you might as well just go stare at the toilet until you throw up. It expedites the inevitable process, and you feel so much better afterward. The only upside to all this "morning" sickness is that I lost ten pounds. I figure that can't be all bad, since you're supposed to gain 25-35 pounds throughout the course of your pregnancy. I figured this would help me not gain too much weight in the long run. Thankfully, now that I am well into my second trimester, I am a lot less sick, and I'm feeling better all the time. This brings me to the most hilarious (and gross) thing that has happened to me during this pregnancy. I was at my parent's house last week, and was having much difficulty with my spring allergies. I was sneezing really hard quite often. At one point I sneezed so hard that I ended up with a little bit of pee running down my leg. I was shocked at first and then just started laughing really hard. How can something be so gross and so embarrassing, but so hilarious all at the same time? I am just REALLY thankful that I wasn't out in public somewhere! I can only imagine what my 3rd trimester is going to be like! Now I realize many of you may not share my humor or find any of this funny....perhaps you can chalk the fact that I do up to my having 5 brothers and nannying 3 boys for a living. :0P

Like Waking Up....

I've written quite a bit on this blog about my battle with bipolar disorder. Unless God chooses to heal me, it is a part of my every day life. There is a big part of me that would love nothing more than for God to heal me and to once again return to a "normal life." There is a bigger part of me still that hopes He doesn't heal me this side of heaven. I fear that if He did choose to make my brain function properly again, that I would forget how desperately I need Him every moment of every day. I am a forgetful creature you see, and learn things best when I am in the most difficult places. I think that speaks more to my hard-headed pride than anything else, but it is nonetheless true. I also believe that our loving and constant heavenly Father, is far more concerned with our spiritual healing (making us more and more dependent upon and like Jesus Christ) than He is with physical healing in this life here on earth. That is real love.

Over the past 4 1/2 years I've grown somewhat accustomed to the cycle of the disorder. A period of deep depression followed by a high-energy/sleepless "manic" phase, and then about 2 weeks of "normal" before the cycle starts all over again. I went off of my medication recently (with my Doctor's approval) because Justin and I would really like to have a baby, and the medicine I was taking would be harmful to our unborn child. Being off of my medication has been different than I expected. My manic phases are much less intense, my normal phases are longer, but my depressed phases are deeper, darker, and longer. I am just coming out of one of these 2+ week depressed phases and this brings me to the title of the blog. Whenever I come out of these dark times, it's like waking up from a really bad, way too real dream. It's like the sun never rose all those mornings I was "asleep" and there was just darkness, fear, self-loathing, desperation, and what FEELS very much like Godlessness. I can't sense God at all during these times, and I don't necessarily mean that in just a touchy feely sort of way. I mean I know and believe He's there and that He has not changed, but it literally FEELS as though He has turned His back toward me and is beyond disappointed and angry with me. That's what makes "waking up" so very glorious. It's as though the sun comes out again, God has turned back around and He's smiling at me, He's pleased with me and His arms are wide open once again. Everything that seemed dark, desolate, and lonely before is alight with color, joy and friendship. It seems almost akin to waking from the dead.

I write this because I feel that God impressed it upon my heart to do so. The point of it all being that what we FEEL and what is true are often to VERY different things, praise God! No matter what I feel, or how dark and lonely life seems to get, my Abba Father's everlasting love never ceases, His mercies continue to be new every morning and I rest secure in the very palm of His hand. GREAT is His faithfulness! This and only this are what keep me putting one foot in front of the other. God has blessed me with people in my life who speak truth to me when I can't seem to grasp it, and remind me that these dark days WILL pass. This reality gives new meaning to the verses in Psalms that talk about joy coming in the morning.

"In all things we know that we are more than conquerors. You keep us by Your love. How high, how wide, no matter where I am, healing is in Your hands. How deep, how strong, now by Your grace I stand, healing is in Your hands."

God has been more than kind to me and I am forever grateful!