Like Waking Up....

I've written quite a bit on this blog about my battle with bipolar disorder. Unless God chooses to heal me, it is a part of my every day life. There is a big part of me that would love nothing more than for God to heal me and to once again return to a "normal life." There is a bigger part of me still that hopes He doesn't heal me this side of heaven. I fear that if He did choose to make my brain function properly again, that I would forget how desperately I need Him every moment of every day. I am a forgetful creature you see, and learn things best when I am in the most difficult places. I think that speaks more to my hard-headed pride than anything else, but it is nonetheless true. I also believe that our loving and constant heavenly Father, is far more concerned with our spiritual healing (making us more and more dependent upon and like Jesus Christ) than He is with physical healing in this life here on earth. That is real love.

Over the past 4 1/2 years I've grown somewhat accustomed to the cycle of the disorder. A period of deep depression followed by a high-energy/sleepless "manic" phase, and then about 2 weeks of "normal" before the cycle starts all over again. I went off of my medication recently (with my Doctor's approval) because Justin and I would really like to have a baby, and the medicine I was taking would be harmful to our unborn child. Being off of my medication has been different than I expected. My manic phases are much less intense, my normal phases are longer, but my depressed phases are deeper, darker, and longer. I am just coming out of one of these 2+ week depressed phases and this brings me to the title of the blog. Whenever I come out of these dark times, it's like waking up from a really bad, way too real dream. It's like the sun never rose all those mornings I was "asleep" and there was just darkness, fear, self-loathing, desperation, and what FEELS very much like Godlessness. I can't sense God at all during these times, and I don't necessarily mean that in just a touchy feely sort of way. I mean I know and believe He's there and that He has not changed, but it literally FEELS as though He has turned His back toward me and is beyond disappointed and angry with me. That's what makes "waking up" so very glorious. It's as though the sun comes out again, God has turned back around and He's smiling at me, He's pleased with me and His arms are wide open once again. Everything that seemed dark, desolate, and lonely before is alight with color, joy and friendship. It seems almost akin to waking from the dead.

I write this because I feel that God impressed it upon my heart to do so. The point of it all being that what we FEEL and what is true are often to VERY different things, praise God! No matter what I feel, or how dark and lonely life seems to get, my Abba Father's everlasting love never ceases, His mercies continue to be new every morning and I rest secure in the very palm of His hand. GREAT is His faithfulness! This and only this are what keep me putting one foot in front of the other. God has blessed me with people in my life who speak truth to me when I can't seem to grasp it, and remind me that these dark days WILL pass. This reality gives new meaning to the verses in Psalms that talk about joy coming in the morning.

"In all things we know that we are more than conquerors. You keep us by Your love. How high, how wide, no matter where I am, healing is in Your hands. How deep, how strong, now by Your grace I stand, healing is in Your hands."

God has been more than kind to me and I am forever grateful!